By Dr. Keith Ablow and Joshua Resnek
Sometimes, a President has to do what a President has to do, in order to appeal to a wider swath of the electorate. President Trump’s patriotism, support for our troops, respect for the flag, defense of gun rights and rolling back of job-killing regulations have endeared him to the right and to blue collar workers who appreciate being able to support their families. But support from the Left has eluded him. Here’s a simple plan for how he can win over that half of America:
- President Trump announces he is transgender and appears on the Today Show, in a pantsuit, alongside Caitlyn Jenner and Chaz Bono. He speaks about being forced by society to cater only to his false masculinity in the past, which explains any of his ill-advised comments about women, as well as his wrong-minded marriages to beautiful, well-spoken, intelligent women and his reprehensible siring (in the mundane and usual way) of four accomplished children who (wrongly) adore him.
The Left swoons as President Trump gets choked up when discussing his plans for breast implants, which will follow his use of massive injections of estrogen, all of which will make him the first female President of the United States, something the Left wanted, all along (much more than competent leadership).
The President speaks in pained tones, choking back tears, about the hatred he is already facing from those who would deny him his true gender identity. He announces, bravely, that his new name is Dawn Trump. It is only correct that he be referred to as First Lady One, while Melania Trump shall be known as First Lady Two, when the two are together (which will be always, because Melania Trump will no longer rankle the Left by staying in New York City alone, ever).
- First Lady Dawn Trump allows herself to be photographed in panties and a bra, highlighting her ample waistline. She decries “fat shaming” in America and states she had felt victimized by unrealistic physiques like those of Calvin Klein male models for decades. She speaks of starving herself and making herself throw up, trying to look like George Clooney for many years. Now, as a woman, she remains a victim because of women like Elle McPherson, Cindy Crawford and Claudia Schiffer. She and Melania Trump will be entering marriage therapy, not because Dawn has become a woman, but because Melania is also the kind of woman who knowingly terrorizes other women with her iconic beauty.
Now that Trump is speaking the language of the Left—being victimized, by, well, almost everyone—her poll numbers in Massachusetts and California begin to rise.
- On 60 Minutes, First Lady Trump asserts that she has had one more epiphany: Her mother often mentioned that the family included an ancestor who was Cherokee. As a Native American woman, the President objects vehemently to the logo of the Washington Redskins, insists that all statues of Theodore Roosevelt be razed and also wants to destroy any and all original negatives of that iconic commercial with the Native American who is moved to tears by pollution.
First Lady Trump breaks through 60 percent approval in New Jersey, Vermont and Maryland. She is joined at a gun control rally by Elizabeth Warren, where the two refer to rifles and handguns as pathetic phallic symbols. “It’s time we finally castrate gun-toting Americans!” First Lady Dawn Trump bellows, to a thunderous ovation. Warren screams, “Change We Need!” in a refreshing reference to former President Obama’s campaign slogan.
- To complete the Left’s love affair with the First Family, Melania Trump announces that, since she remains in love with a woman (the politician formerly known as the President) that she is clearly a gay American. She accepts that her wife Dawn is female, despite her not planning “bottom” surgery. “What matters is what Dawn thinks, inside, not what her anatomy is, on the outside,” she says, to cheers from the Ellen studio audience.
The Trump children emerge from back stage and surprise their mother Dawn, formerly known as the 45th President of the United States, with 45 pink roses. The audience falls silent. Something is terribly wrong. Eric Trump, realizing the almost unforgivable mistake the children have made, apologizes for associating pink with being female. The audience is visibly relieved.
Donald Trump, Jr. distributes the 45 pink roses to 45 men in the audience, while taking selfies with several of them, leading to a standing ovation.
- Melania enters rehab for an addiction to designer clothing, declaring herself powerless—not just over elegant dresses, but, well, in general, over anything
and everything. “I am, essentially, broken in every way, imaginable, and weaker than anyone else I know or have ever met. Therefore, I love myself more than ever and know you understand,” she posts on her new Facebook account, under the name Melancholia.
Melancholia receives all the awards that were being withheld from magazines, networks and women’s associations. Major designers, led by Tom Ford, fall all over themselves offering to “dress” the First Lady, who is, after all, the first gay First Lady (well, First Lady Two).
- First Lady One Dawn Trump, in a clear sign that she understands that showing respect to her own office would offend a large number of Americans, begins taking a knee whenever Hail to the Chief is played. She also hangs her head in shame when disembarking from Air Force One, which, henceforth, shall be named Air Force Two, because the former name was too consistent with the misguided notion of “America First.” Dawn Trump curtsies to all foreign leaders and opens all speeches with, “We are a horrible, horrible people. Just horrible.”
She Tweets, “If Kim bombs us, we earned it. Okay? We earned it. How about that?”
The Democrats decide to not field a candidate in 2020, given the President is now polling at 89 percent approval amongst liberal Democrats, eclipsing Bernie Sanders, who has announced, with a very significant bump in his own popularity with Democrats, that he is actually a Communist, not a Socialist.
We know. We know. This is asking a lot of President Trump and the First Lady, in order to court the Left. But, trust us, it would work. Why wouldn’t it? After all, it already works, for so many Democratic leaders, celebrities and athletes.